i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
