I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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