So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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