he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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