Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize