he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
