Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
