he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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