OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
