conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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