It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
