No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
