Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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