if i can run in heels then i can drive
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
someone owes me an orgasm
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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