No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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