just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
