Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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