I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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