At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
