i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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