What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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