My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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