which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
