Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
