I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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