Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
