Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
