I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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