my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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