so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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