I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
