How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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