i just made my gag reflex go away.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
