I am spending my child support on dildos
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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