Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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