I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize