dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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