Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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