we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
