Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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