You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
