It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
