I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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