my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
