Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
