direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
