If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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