I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
