i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
