Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
