why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
