woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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