it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
