He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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