sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
