I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize