When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
