there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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