your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I touched a dick in church today
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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