You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
