remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he thought i was a dude.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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