dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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