im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
