My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
