I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize